Same Ol', Same Ol'
by Fugitive
Summary: Does anyone notice that, more or less, all the same plots and pairings are written over and over again? Here's a short sweet summary of them!
1. Unlikely Romance Involving Kel and Joren

Disclaimer: I don't own any of Tamora Pierce's work.

A/N: This story is completely revamped, seven years after I wrote it as a dumb teenager :-) . Hopefully I have a better sense of humor now.

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**_An Extremely Unlikely Romance Involving Kel and Joren_**

The herald walks down the hall and turns left into the room, approaching the girl there. That girl is KELADRY of MINDELAN, in the library, with the wrench. Ahem, the sword.

"Yes, Harold?" Kel asks, her DREAMY HAZEL EYES flashing.

"Lady Keladry is to report to Queen Thayet in the throne room immediately," says Harold the herald.

Kel flips her SHORT BROWN HAIR that she has actually grown out longer so she is more ATTRACTIVE and sighed. She is so busy! There is no time for this. She has girl KNIGHTS to train and a CAMP to run and no time for boys at all, let alone the king and queen. She follows Harold into the throne room, where awaits her not only Queen Thayet, but JOREN of STONE MOUNTAIN as well.

Kel stares. "_Joren_??" she screeches. She clears her throat. "I mean, what are _you_ doing here?"

Joren brushes away his cascading WHITE-BLONDE waterfalls of glorious hair from his face and SMIRKS. "I'm ALIVE. Obviously the author thinks I'm too important/sexy/mysterious of a character to just die in the Chamber of the Ordeal." Joren basks in his SELF-ARROGANCE, completely ignoring the fact that it is not normal to come back from the DEAD.

Kel and Joren give each other the DEATH GLARE, because they HATE each other.

"Earth to the two lovebirds!" calls Queen Thayet. Kel and Joren jump at this, because it is IRONIC, because they actually HATE each other. "The kingdom of Tortall is in mortal danger, and we need your help. We need you two to travel to [INSERT COUNTRY] and become spies/mercenaries/retrieve a sacred and/or dangerous object. I don't care what it is or where your quest ends up taking you, just go wherever has the most opportunity for SCENES of a GRAPHIC NATURE."

Joren sniffs. "Your majesty, I hate her guts for NO REASON, other than that she should stay in the KITCHEN and not on the jousting field. I am not INSECURE AT ALL about my masculinity."

Kel says nothing. She is ANGRY and HURT that she has to do this, but puts on her YAMANI MASK so no one can guess her true inner feelings. Little does she know, her sudden lack of a facial expression GIVES IT AWAY.

Queen Thayet ignores their protests. "You leave tomorrow morning before daybreak. This is so no one knows you are leaving, because it is a TOP SECRET CODE RED CONFIDENTIAL GOVERNMENT MISSION."

"But," says Kel patiently seething, "we know nothing about this – no suspects, no actual agenda – what—"

"GO," commanded the queen. "And may the gods help us all," she added as she watched her only hopes leave the throne room.

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_Next morning on the journey……_

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Kel and Joren ride horseback over the river and through the woods, far far and away. Joren's horse is CONVENIENTLY behind Kel's so he can check out HER ASS. Kel suspects this and is UNCOMFORTABLE, because she is not used to being a REAL GIRL. This gives her the opportunity to NAMECALL.

Joren is INDIGNANT. Later, he digests her words and through his CONTEMPLATIONS, we learn that his father is actually ABUSIVE towards women and we feel SORRY for him because now we UNDERSTAND where his CRAPPY ATTITUDE came from.

The two come to an inn for the night, and what do you know, there is only ONE BED. AWKWARDNESS ENSUES because beds can be used for both SLEEPING and SEX and they are CONFUSED. They wake up on the wrong side of the bed, up in arms, both LITERALLY and FIGURATIVELY, and they EXCHANGE WORDS.

As they continue, Joren is CONTEMPLATIVE. He suspects he has FEELINGS for her. He decides to deal with these feelings MATURELY by ignoring them and acting like an even bigger ASSHOLE to Kel and questioning her CHASTITY and number of SEXUAL PARTNERS. He will also leave a flower on her pillow in the morning to CONFUSE and SPITE her.

Kel also has IRRATIONAL FEELINGS towards Joren despite his chauvinism. She has NO EXPERIENCE with relationships so she cannot tell when she is dealing with a DUD. They reach for the same biscuit at breakfast and their HANDS TOUCH. It is SEXUALLY AWKWARD.

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_The above pattern continues for a number of chapters, until…_

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Kel and Joren are ambushed by bandits of the evil warlord because there couldn't be a CUTE RECOVERY SCENE without Kel getting knocked out cold, could there? Naturally, Joren saves her and she wakes up at the inn with him at her side, praying for her to get better. He is EMBARRASSED that she saw him in a VULNERABLE STATE, so he is even MEANER to her.

A SCREAMING TEARFUL FIGHT leads into MAKING OUT. Their "TONGUES BATTLE" because the author has either NO CREATIVITY or NO KISSING EXPERIENCE. Scenes of a GRAPHIC NATURE occur.

The couple returns home. No word on whether the mission was accomplished. They have a public relationship, to the CHAGRIN of all their friends, but they don't get married, because Kel's mom is a PROGRESSIVE and Joren should be able to GET SOME whenever he wants because he is his OWN MAN and would probably have an affair ANYWAY.

**_The End._**


	2. Kel and Neal! Who Cares About Yuki?

Disclaimer: I don't own any of Tamora Pierce's characters, but I wouldn't mind owning Joren…;)

Kel and Neal!  Who Cares About Yuki?

**Kel:** Wow, Neal is so hot. But he is Yuki's now.

**Neal:** I'm developing major feelings for Kel, but I'm going to keep them to myself, because how can she possibly fall for me?

**Dom:**  Hey Kel! Hey Meathead! I might be in the story every once in a while.  My sole purpose in this plot is to make Neal jealous and to make Kel choose between me and him. 

**Kel****:  Wow, Dom is so hot.  But he is in the Knight's Own, and they can't marry.  Too bad.**

** Neal:** I'm harboring jealous feelings towards my cousin because he's trying to seduce my best friend whom I secretly love.****

Sometime later, be it days, weeks or months

**Neal:  **Hey Kel.  Looking good.  

**Kel****:  Hey Neal.  Right back at ya.**

At this point the author makes them trip over some object, or slip in a puddle or and makes them go sprawling on top of each other. (A/N:  Has anyone else noticed that Neal and Kel always fall on top of each other?  Maybe it's just me.)

They look at each other and begin to passionately make out.  The author may or may not spare the steamy details.  The two lovers don't bother to think about the consequences such as who they are cheating on, or the rumors that will befall them, even protecting themselves.  But of course Kel never gets pregnant, that would ruin the plot. Then the morning after…….

**Kel:  **Wait, Neal, what about Yuki?

**Neal:  **Oh yeah.  See, it's _implied_ at the beginning of the story that Yuki and I are engaged, which introduces a problem that the characters need to overcome. This makes the plot appear to have depth.  Then the author conveniently forgets to tell the reader that we're not together anymore.  That way you and I can get together because everyone forgets about Yuki.

**Kel****:  How clever! So, what happened to Yuki? **

**Neal:  **It's hard to say.  Either she died, she left me for someone else, or she will find out very soon and will hate both of us for the rest of our lives.  I can never remember.

**Kel****:  Oh, well, screw Yuki, we can live happily ever after.**

**Neal:**  'Kay.  I love you, Kel.

**Kel****:  Love you too.  *big schmoochie kisses all around***

They live happily ever after. _Duh……._

Like it? Love it? Hate it? Tell me!  The more reviews, the more incentive I have to actually update…….


	3. Not Another Daine and Numair Fic!

wildmage101: Here is the D/N chapter that you asked for! And I dedicate it to you! I hope you like it! I hope everyone likes it!

This is going to be the best one to make fun of! Numair is a child molester! Just say 'no', Daine! But this one was particularly difficult to write. There are few D/N fics that actually have plots, mostly they are just fluff. Serious fluff. Which is great until it's repeated over and over in various stories. This is what I am trying to portray. I also stuck in a few of my own ideas for some Numair bashing.

**Not Another Daine and Numair Fic!**

Usually these fics start out awhile after The Realm of the Gods, which is soon after Daine and Numair confess their love for each other. Keep in mind that Numair is a perverted man in his 30's and our dear little magelet Veralidaine is merely 16, barely old enough to drive a car, let alone sleep with an old guy. But hey, this is Tortall.

Based on my observations, usually these fluffy fics start out in a bedroom. Though they most likely are sharing a bed, Numair and Daine may or may not actually be sleeping together in that dirty way. Often times the "plot" starts out with one of the two lovers thinking deeply about their relationship or something of the sort.

**Daine:** _brushes smoky brown curls away from her face_ Oh, Numy, I love you so much!

**Numair:** I love you too, magelet. brushes _away a smoky brown curl from her face_

**Daine:** Don'tcha think we should tell people?

**Numair:** About what?

**Daine:** About us, you dolt.

**Numair:** Tell them or not, it doesn't matter, they'll find out soon, magelet.

**Daine:** Odds bobs! Oh, you always know what to say, Numy!

Some point after this romantic bantering, a fluff scene occurs (as if it's not fluffy already.) Most of it is sweet fluff, kissing and such. The next day or so, Numair is still thinking deeply about their relationship, the same thought that he was thinking at the beginning of the story (see beginning of story.)

**Numair:** ponders Should I really stay with Daine? After all, I am twice her age. What is she woke up one morning and saw an old man? She is still so young, why would she ever want me?

_Or his thoughts could go along the lines of:_

**Numair:** I am trying to sort out my feelings about Daine. She is very attractive, that's for sure, with her smoky brown curls and all. But even though I am a perverted pedophile, I do possess some morals and I feel kind of guilty about screwing Daine. Taking away her innocence and all. But Daine is so hot!

_The only conflict in these plots is Numair's internal struggles with Daine-related issues._

Sometime later, Daine walks in to find her dear Numy pounding his head on the table.

**Daine:** Odds bobs! Numair, sweetums, what's wrong? _smoothes back a smoky brown curl_

**Numair:** Oh, magelet, I want you to be happy.

**Daine:** Yeah, well thanks. I am. _sits in his lap_

**Numair:** Someday you're going to wake up and see an old man. You are so young, why would you ever want me? Good God, why would you ever want me?

**Daine:** _kisses him in that fluffy way and giggles_ Because I love you, Numy dear. I always will. Why do you ask?

**Numair:** kisses back Okay, then. I won't tear myself up inside anymore wondering about that. I just had to ask you because that was the whole point of the so-called "plot". Otherwise, there would be no point to the story. A storyline is made up that appears to have depth so as to catch the readers' attention, when in reality, the author just want to write some D/N shippage.

**Daine:** Ah, I see. Witty, these fanfiction writers are. _they kiss each other like there's no tomorrow, promptly forgetting about the obstacle of Numair's inner struggles and paranoia that could have nearly destroyed their relationship. But who cares, they're in love_.

…_Fluffiness ensues…_

…and more fluffiness. Major fluff. You will never find another pairing that has more fluffiness than that of D/N. All the fluffiness is the same, too. So fluffy that I could choke on it. Anyway, things start heating up, and Numair remembers the other thing that he might have been pondering earlier (Daine's innocence). Numair asks her about it, she says she loves him, she wants to be with him, kissy kissy, then the "plot" is over. That's it.

Now, I will add my own ending!

**Numair:** _comes up for air in the middle of a heavy (but fluffy) makeout session_ Daine, being the kindly pedophile that I am, I feel the need to say that no matter how hot I think you are, I don't want to take advantage of your innocence.

**Daine:** I don't care about that. I love you, Numair. _brushes back a smoky brown curl_ Damn these smoky brown curls! Why does ever single D/N writer have to write about my freakin' smoky brown curls!

**Numair:** _blinks_ Well, they are lovely, magelet.

**Daine:** AAAHH! Shut up! I hate that stupid nickname!

**Numair:** _shocked_ Sorry. I had no idea, sweet.

**Daine:** _yanks on his horsetail_ They also go on and on about your stupid horsetail, too!

_Numair_ _is too shocked to say anything. Meanwhile, the author is rolling on the floor, laughing her butt off and having a hella time writing this._

**Numair:** _angry_ Hey! No one makes fun of the Noomsta's horsetail!

**Daine:** Oh yeah, STORK MAN?

**Numair:** Yeah! _screams an evil magic spell, wiping Daine into oblivion forever_

**Varice** **Kingsford** _appears out of nowhere_ Good riddance! Ha! Now you're all mine, Arram!

**Numair:** AAAAUUUGGGHHHH!!!!

Fin.


	4. Sergeant Dom and His Handsome Smile

Disclaimer:  I am not going to write anymore disclaimers for any more of my chapters.  I have written three already and everyone knows I don't own any of the characters anyway. So my previous disclaimers are going to apply for the rest of my fic, okay?

That last chapter was kinda weird.  I loved it!

Hey, I got my first flame! A D/N lover hated my D/N chapter! Go figure. Well, like I said before, my dear flamer, tell me WHY it blew, not just that it blew. 'K? And Numair is SO a pedophile!  For God's sake, he is 15 years older than Daine!  

Enough of this, now. On with the making fun of Kel and Dom! (A/N:  I haven't read Lady Knight yet, God knows why, but I have a pretty good idea of how the story line goes.  So sue me if I have few details wrong. Just work with me!)

Based on my observations, these Kel/Dom fics usually start out after Lady Knight:  at a camp, or something of the sort.  New Hope, usually.  Lots of militariness occurs in these stories.  Possibly either Kel or Dom is on border patrol and is waiting for the other to come to the camp.  But for sake of making this easy to read, let's have Kel at the camp, waiting for Dom to come to her. 

**Dom:**  I have been thinking about Kel an awful lot lately.  She is so beautiful!  What am I thinking?!?  She would never like me like that……would she?  If she does feel the same way, maybe I should be a man and take the initiative…….nah.  I'm too big a wuss, even though I am a sergeant and all.

**Kel****:  I have been thinking about Dom an awful lot lately.  What a handsome smile he has!  Is it just me, or does he flirt with me all the time?  *sighs dreamily* Wait, what am I thinking? He would never feel the same way about me.  **

**Tobe****:  Hi!  I'm the annoying little kid that seems to be every Kel/Dom fic. I'm not really in the story, I'm just along for the ride!**

**Kel****:  Shut up, Tobe, and go saddle my horse, or…….something.**

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Sergeant Domitan of Masbolle and his troops finally return from border patrol, a refugee camp, or some random assignment that King Jonathon gave them.  Kel's heart flutters when she sees him, of course.  

**Dom:**  Hey Kel!  Nice to see you again.  *shakes her hand and smiles handsomely*  I really want to hug you but I am afraid that you would think I was hitting on you.

**Kel****:  Hey Dom, good to see you!  *tries (unsuccessfully) not to blush*  How inconvenient of my Yamani mask not to work at a time like this.  **

**Neal:**  Yo! I am in the story to offer comic relief – my witty remarks, bantering with my cousin, and such. I am also the one who usually seems to know about Kel's and Dom's feelings towards each other.  So, Dom, when you gonna hook up with Kel?

**Dom:**  *a look of shock befalls his handsome face and covers it up by laughing awkwardly*  Heh heh, um…-

**Neal:**  Right.  So Kel, when do you plan to confess your undying love to Dom?

**Kel****:   *looks shocked but quickly puts on her Yamani mask, the so-very-useful facial expression to hide all facial expressions and shrugs* I dunno…It's very interesting that you are always the only one who figures these things out, Neal…  *changes subject*  Oh no! **

**Neal:**  What? 

**Kel****:  It's those darn raiders again.**

**Neal:**  *sigh* In EVERY SINGLE Kel/Dom fic we have this problem.  Sometimes the author might refer to them as raiders. Maybe thieves, or possibly bandits.  Why won't they leave us alone?  *sighs deeply again* Call the troops…

Detailed fight scene proceeds. All the soldiers gather their troops together  and the author uses many technical military terms, war strategies and /or tactics that don't usually have the desired effect on the reader.  

**Dom:**  *in the midst of fighting* Kel, don't go off anywhere alone or get captured!

**Kel****: ...Oh! Don't tell me - King Maggur of Scanra has plans to kidnap me, usually due to a supernatural prophecy thingy or else he just wants to get revenge and torture Tortall's secrets out of me, right?**

**Dom:**  Yep, I think you hit the nail on the head. This particular plot line is very useful to the author, not only because it delivers a great amount of suspense, but it's also a way for me, Dom, to get up off my butt and prove and declare my love to you.  I could do it now while you're here with me, but I'm too big a wuss.

(*sigh*  Yes, Kel gets kidnapped.  She gets taken to Scanra, where King Maggur tries to force the secrets out of her by torture and such.  Dom generally ends up rescuing her.  That is, if the story is even finished.)

Sometimes Kel does not get kidnapped.  Kidnapping our heroine Kel would force the author to create an elaborate, detailed plot, which might not appeal to said author because they either can't think of a storyline or they desire fluff. In that case, the story might end like this on a fluffy note:

The fighting ceases and all is at peace again.  At this point of the story, Kel and/or Dom usually confess their love for each other, often times by suddenly kissing each other out of the blue. 

**Dom:** I love you, Kel. *smiles, rather handsomely*

**Kel****:  I love you too, Dom.  *Then they kiss, rather fluffily.* (A/N: Dom has morals, you know.  He hardly ever sleeps with Kel. In fact, I don't think there are any dirty Kel/Dom fics.)**

**Soldiers of the King's Own:** *whistle* Finally! Good God, we thought you two would never get together!  Somehow we all knew about these secret infatuations but we didn't want to say anything. 

The End.

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Well, that was Chapter Four!  I hoped you guys liked it.  I haven't updated in awhile because I was attempting to recover from writer's block.  I think I'm going to do an Alanna goes to the convent next, probably…  Later guys!  Oh, and review, too!


	5. Alanna is Not Just Another Pansy Noble L...

Disclaimer:  You know what?  No.  I am finished with disclaimers.  If I were Tamora Pierce, why would I write fanfiction about _my own stories_?  

We've all seen these fics.  "What if Alanna Went to the Convent?"  I must say, though, that there are some pretty good Alanna convent stories.  A really good one is one written by Peachy Garlic, and you should read it.  Just in case no one gets it yet, I am not making fun of anybody or their stories, I am just having fun at attempting humor and stuff.  I'm sure everyone has SOME kind of plotline that bugs them, so I am just making fun of them ALL so I can please everybody.  I have had lots of requests for this one, so here it is!  I FINALLY UPDATED!

Alanna Goes to the Convent! God forbid, what if she did?

**Maude:**  I saw it in the fire, Alanna!  For you to go to the palace and become a knight……well, it's just not going to work out.  So give it up.

**Alanna:**  Damn.  Thom, forge the letters anyway.

Now one of two things could happen at this point:

a)  Thom forges the letters.  He gets caught.

**Lord Trebond:  **What the shiznit are you doing, Thom?

**Thom:**  AAAHH!  *hides parchment behind back*  I mean, Alanna made me!****

**Lord Trebond:  **You naughty children.  Off to the convent with you, Alanna.  

OR

b)  Thom refuses because he is a pansy.

**Thom:  **But we will get caught!

**Alanna:  **Thom, you are the BIGGEST pansy……

Now that her brother has officially ruined her life, she is dragged to the convent, wondering what horrors will befall her at this hellhole.  ****

**Girl:**  Hi!  My name's Cyria.  Wanna be my friend?

**Alanna:**  OK.  How can you stand this place?

**Cyria: ** *giggles*  Oh, you'll learn to love it!  *giggles* Hey, girls, may I introduce you to Alanna?

**Girls:**  *giggle* Hi! *giggle*

**Alanna:**  Oh my gawd.  

**Daughters of the Convent:**  Sit up straight, Alanna!  Don't slurp your soup Alanna!

**Alanna:**  I hate it here already.

5 years later…….

**Alanna:**  Still hatin'…...

**Daughters of the Convent:  **We can't wait till you get out of here, Alanna.  You always play tricks on us and misbehave.  Why?  _Why??!!_

**Alanna:**  To retain my spunky free-spirited nature, of course.  You can't tame Alanna of Trebond, lady or not.

**DOTC:**  Whatever…..anyways, you will never become a lady!  We're going to send you to Court to find a husband.  May the gods have mercy on you!

**Alanna:**  Yeah!  I'm outta here!

At the palace…..Alanna is reunited with dear Brother Thom.  Hugs and kisses all around.  She gets showed to her rooms.

**Cyria: ** It's ball time!

**Alanna:** Do I have to?  Wait, why are you here?  Actually, never mind.

**Cyria:**  *shocked*  Well, yes, of course you must go.  Otherwise you will never meet Prince Jonathon and fall in love with each other even though that's the last thing you want to happen.

**Alanna:**  I knew it!  Damn these plots!  Damn them to the inferno!

Jon is at the ball, watching the ladies walk down the staircase.  They are all the same, and he is getting fed up.

**Jon:**  *sighs*  All these ladies are the same, guys.  I am fed up.  Even though I am a arrogant chauvinist in the books, I still wish that there was someone different from all these boneheads, someone who stands out.

Right on cue, Alanna's name is announced and all eyes fall upon her like some goofy Cinderella story.  She glides down the grand staircase in her beautimous dress that is flowy and sparkly with diamonds all over and her long hair cascading down her back blah blah blah……

**Jon's Posse:**  *whistles*  Suga suga, how you get so _fly……_

**Jon:**  Hey!  Back off!  She is_ mine!  *kisses Alanna's hand*  Welcome to Corus, gentle lady.  I hope you enjoy your time here.  Would you care for a dance?_

**Alanna:**  Yeah, yeah, let's just get it over with, then, 'k?  I don't like you, even though I have never met you before in my life.  But you are pretty hot.  I'll just play hard to get with you for the next few days.

**Jon:**  *doesn't hear a word she says because he is drooling all over the floor at her.*

**Alanna:**  I _hate_ these balls…..

The next day Jon and his posse go to the practice courts and secretly watch Alanna do her swordplay.  She is actually doing it in secret, and doesn't want anyone to know.  

**Alanna:**  I'll just practice my unladylike swordplay in these here practice courts.  It's not anyone will walk in on me and/or possibly see me and SPY ON ME……*cough*  ahem…..

**Raoul:**  *nudges Jon and whispers*  That's our cue!  *steps out with rest of boys who were watching*

The boys are thrilled.  Thrilled to pieces.  It isn't everyday that they meet a noble lady who can wield a sword.  Who'd 'a thunk?  Someone challenges Alanna to a duel, thinking that girls can't fight worth beans.  She kicks his sorry ass.

**Knight Who Got His Ass Kicked:  ***dumbfounded*

**Gary****:  Wow, where'd you learn to do that?**

**Alanna:**  I've been practicing swordplay and archery in secret ever since I was sent to the convent.  Plot convenience, you know.  Elsewise Jon would think I was just another one of those weak and helpless noble ladies and totally ignore me.

**Gary****:  Ah.**

**Alanna:**  Besides, I can't save the Kingdom of Tortall from mortal danger while brandishing an embroidery needle!  I need amazing swordfighting skills to make my pitiful attempt at heroism believable!

**Raoul:  **I knew that.  I did.  Really.  Wait, mortal danger?  Where did that come from?

**Alanna:**  *shrugs*  Like I said, plot convenience.  Did I mention that I was going to marry Jon, too?  

**Jon:**  *suddenly interested*  

**Alanna:**  *smug*  Yep, that's right.  All within a week or so.  The fanfiction writers don't like to take things slow.

**Jon:**  But you acted like you hated me!

**Alanna:**  Well, _yeah_.  I'm supposed to.  I'm different than most noble ladies, right?  Your big fat ego needed to be lowered a few notches.  But see, a few days after I met you, I found that despite my unorthodox character, I had actually fallen for your manly charm and good looks and decided that you were my soul mate.

**Jon:**  Well, that's good then, because I knew you were mine from the moment I laid eyes on you, Alanna.  

**Raoul:**  Wait, what about the mortal danger?

**Alanna:**  Oh.  That.  Well, I don't know.  It never really happens.  Just a suspense tactic.

**Raoul:  **Oh.  *shuts up*

**Jon:  **Alrighty then!  Will you marry me, Alanna?

**Alanna:**  Ye--wait, isn't George supposed to be in the picture somewhere?

**Jon:  **Eh.  Sometimes.  

**Alanna:**  *shrugs*  Lets get fluffy.

**Jon:**  Aight.

Oh, that chapter was embarrassing.  I could've done a lot better.  Review anyway, if you would.  Lack of reviews kills my incentive to write more.  So if you like it, lemme know, please, so I can update sooner.  And tell me which plotline I should do next!  Shoutout to VisionInk!  And Peachy Garlic!  Your review on my Entertaining Notions story was great!  And I love your story!  

~Fugitive


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